Have You Tried Listening?


Like many of you I’ve come to really enjoy social media over the last decade. When used correctly it really is a great platform with many benefits .

The one thing I love the most are the new connections we all make online with like minded people. Although we may be  in different parts of the country or different parts of the world we connect.

Recently I was fortunate enough to meet Eloise online from Fertility Hub Help a great resource for those struggling with infertility. I was flattered when Eloise asked me to write an article posted here..Miscarriages, Loss and Ridiculous Comments  In the article Eloise also interviewed Dr Norian from Hrc Rancho- Hrc Fertility on the topic of miscarriages.

Eloise Founder of Fertility Hub Help Blog having experienced a difficult road to motherhood first-hand was frustrated by seeing people feel overwhelmed, lonely and desperate for answers. So, she decided it was time to re-address fertility in a fresh engaging way and to help remove some of the stigma around it. Fertility Help Hub is an oasis of knowledge and resources, all in one non-overwhelming place. It is an interactive, inspirational lifestyle website and social community.  Her Motto is: “We all need to feel part of a community and to know we are not alone.”

As many of you may know, I am involved in daily online conversations within the social community, providing emotional support including the infertility community. The acronym used a lot within the community is ‘TTC’ (Trying To Conceive). I noticed that a recurring theme is the multitude of hurtful comments people say without realizing the impact it has on the families struggling with infertility. In light of this, there have also been numerous supportive individuals who graciously ask what they can say or do to help.

Below is a list of a few things to say that may be helpful to those struggling with infertility. If you’ve got any to add, feel free to add
  them in the comments. 



  1. Just the act of “Listening” can be the most    powerful form of support, love and empathy
  2.   I am sorry you are going through this
  3.   I can’t even imagine how hard it is.
  4.   There are no words, is it okay if I give you a hug?
  5. I am here if you ever feel like talking.
  6.   It stinks and it’s unfair!
  7.   Infertility is a big loss, and it is okay to grieve.
  8.    I am sorry…it sounds like Infertility is being robbed of having children naturally.
  9.    That sounds really hard: Infertility is having to pay tons of money for something that other people take for granted.
  10.    It’s ok to cry, cry and cry.
  11.    It’s ok not to go to a baby shower or a kid’s birthday party, and it is also ok to leave early.
  12.   It’s ok to think about how situations will make you feel and you can say no.
  13.   I’m here to listen and not give advice.
  14.     “I love you” and if or when you want to talk I am here.
  15.    I am sorry to hear that.
  16.  Can I do something to help? Cook a meal?
  17. I wish I knew what to say.
  18. I am so sorry you are going through this, this is very hard.
  19. I am sorry people don’t know how to respond.
  20.   People may never understand what you are going through, but you do not owe them anything and you do not need to justify yourself to them.
  21. It is okay to not be okay.

 The worst things to say or hear:

  1.  Just RELAX, don’t stress so much it’ll happen naturally! This phrase has been labelled as one of the worst, and yet most common words of advice given to women struggling with infertility.
  2.  Have you thought about adopting?
  3. You have 1 child, isn’t that enough?
  4. 4 miscarriages may be a message to stop .
  5. At least you know you can get pregnant.
  6. God has other plans for you.
  7.  It was so easy for me to get pregnant!
  8. Maybe spend less time on your career or working out?
  9. Losing weight and moderate exercise helps!
  10. You’re trying too hard. Calm down.
  11. Just go on vacation and it’ll happen.
  12. It’ll happen when it’s meant to.
  13. Just get a pet!
  14. Have you tried ____
  15. Are you pregnant yet?
  16. Just adopt, there are so many kids that need a home!
  17. I know exactly how you are feeling.
  18. I have a friend who got pregnant after adopting!
  19. Take my kids they are a handful.
  20. Go to Vegas and get drunk and it will happen.
  21. Just do IVF and you’ll get twins.
  22. Just think positive thoughts (this minimizes the process of grief)
  23. At least it wasn’t a real baby!

 In addition I  also met two inspiring authors online, Michael Cave and Christina Oberon. Each author wrote a book based on their respective (TTC )struggles and overcoming  infertility.

image1Michael Cave writes in his book ‘Triple Blessing’ about a father’s journey through infertility : “When couples hear any of these insensitive statements, it makes them not want to share their infertility issues with anyone, and it remains a secret struggle.” He goes on to say, ”Some folks on the Internet are offended that people are resorting more and more to IVF, to make their dreams come true as if it’s taking the easy way out or…playing God.”

Hope Strong front There is wonderful advice in Christina Oberon’s book ‘Hope Strong’, where she provides hope through the emotions experienced during infertility: Regardless of the things said or not said by others, Christina wants her readers to “remember that everyone’s path to motherhood is different and unique. Your path is not easy, and this is your challenge. And, as the day turns into night and the night fades into the glorious morning sun,  remember, you have not been forgotten.”

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Dr. Norian at HRC Rancho areas of expertise include: in-vitro     fertilization (IVF), pre-implantation genetic screening (PGS), gender selection, egg freezing, optimal treatment for low responders, LGBTQ fertility treatments, surrogacy and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).   havingbabies.com | @HrcRancho 


After Eloise’s husband’s devastating infertility news and painful, unsuccessful MICRO-Tese operation in the USA, they turned to IVF with donor sperm. Eloise and her husband went through three difficult rounds of IVF to create their family.  Fertility Help Hub was born from that experience to offer fertility tips, advice from experts around the world, support and key resources. All the things they wish had been accessible at the time. Fertility Help Hub wants to help break the infertility stigma, so people don’t have to suffer in silence, feeling isolated.

AF0F3AA4EB1163702619131318272_3580aa717eb.1.5As a  multi-faceted entrepreneur who spends time  in the world of social media, music, film and the world of parenting. I am an active advocate for the emotional and physical well being of children-adults, an author and songwriter. Author Page Amazon Books #HungryFeelings