Become a Behavior Detective and Translate “ANGRY’
It is up to us as parents to decode the hidden feelings our children’s behavior is expressing.
We can then help them learn new feelings words and new coping skills to talk about those feelings and help decrease tantrums.
Many times we can address the feelings underneath the tantrum to support thehurt feelings. By listening with empathy and understanding we can calm and improve the situation.
Empathizing with children’s feelings and discussing new solutions, will help them calm down.
Becoming a Feelings and Behavior Detective creates happier healthier kids.
Understand that hard feelings are expressed in a child’s behaviors and that those feelings need to be talked about improves the behaviors.
Every feeling and emotional need turns into a behavior when not listened to or talked about.
Every behavior is an expression of a hidden feeling and emotional need.
Teach children to ask themselves “What’s going on inside me?” — What emotional needs do I have?
When your child says” I don’t know how I feel,” they really don’t. Use The Feeling Town maps found in the bookstore to help your family understand feelings and solve behavioral and emotional problems.
Keep in mind when parents and teachers change what we do and how we respond, kids change.
Things to say :
Your body is telling us you are so mad and your feelings are so hurt!
I am sorry that is hard.
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or I disappointed you.
Let’s see if we can calm our brain and body down and you can tell me with words why you are hurt and upset!
( If open to it take 3 deep breaths together in through the nose out the mouth)
Let’s try the feelings map that can help us explain and figure out how you feel.
When you are ready I can hug you and listen. I won’t argue, I will just say I am sorry.
Do you think I was being mean?
You didn’t want to talk. You wanted me to leave you alone.
You can tell me what I did that made you so angry We don’t have to be perfect!
I love you even when I am angry at you. When you are ready we can talk about it
From a social-emotional perspective, while the meaning of tantrums-hitting varies for each child, pretty consistently this indicates children are experiencing feelings of anger, upset, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, and other related emotions. Few children hit when they are happy. Hitting is a way of saying, “This is not working for me right now.” “My feelings are TOO BIG.” “I do not have the skills to work this out in a more cooperative way.” They are asking you to help them!
“You wanted something you cannot have right now.”
“I get that.”
“It is hard and disappointing.”
“Maybe we can find another time when you can have what you asked for.” “You wanted the toy back.”
“I understand that it’s not fun, and it can hurt when someone takes something you are playing with.”
“Your feelings were talking to you. Let’s learn what they were saying.”
Ongoing: Practice socially acceptable ways to deal with difficult situations. Practice prevention with role-playing. It may be best to role-play and practice minutes or hours after the hitting occurred. When your child is calm, circle back, “We had trouble at the pool today.” “Let’s act it out and see what we could have done better.”
Play “Let’s Pretend” with your child. Practicing other feelings, words, and actions your child can use at the moment is best done when the children are calm. We find that role-playing the experience ahead of time with dolls or trucks helps the child have access to new solutions to use instead of hitting.
Keep in mind, it’s harder for kids to get along if they are tired, hungry, or lonely and haven’t had enough time alone with their adults.
The Books “Listen To Me Please” and “Behavior Detective” in my bookstore can also help teach and manage emotions. And using the Feelings Maps 2-3 times a week help will also help children learn to handle tough feelings.
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